Monday, March 30, 2009

The Waiting Game

Today makes exactly four weeks since I finished up the PRIDE pre-training service and four weeks that I’ve been waiting for a phone call to come any day to let me know when the first at-home interview will be taking place. I’ll admit I’m feeling a little impatient right now. I keep reminding myself about what we were told about anyone with a court date automatically being placed ahead of us and how 90% or so of the group seemed to have court dates for children who are relatives and so I’ve refrained from pestering the home-finders for my county. But it’s hard and the last four weeks have felt so long for me. I have decided that if I still haven’t heard anything by a week from now, I’m going to call and just try to see how things are moving along and if they can give me any kind of an estimate on time. Another friend of mine reminded me that the squeaky wheel gets the grease; I just prefer to be squeaky in moderation though :)

In the meantime, I’m pre-registered to begin my first in-service level two training class on April 6th. The only way it won’t be happening is if less than three people pre-register for it. So far, I haven’t been notified of that, so that’s the next step for now. The class is titled Using Discipline to Protect, Nurture, and Meet Developmental Needs. It seems like an excellent choice to start out with, especially since we won’t be allowed to use any form of physical punishment for misbehavior and that was the only way I was taught growing up. It’ll also get me started on meeting the yearly requirements of an additional minimum of 12 hours of in-service that all foster parents have to have to remain certified until they’ve either finalized the adoption or, if not foster-to-adopt, simply decide to stop fostering. I’m hoping it’ll also help me in feeling like I’m still moving forward rather than sitting still.

Stormy and Little Bit (my cats) were both vaccinated last week and will now pass the home study with flying colors! Three of the five references have been turned in and my landlord is providing the fire escape ladder that’s required for my second floor apartment. All the other requirements, and plenty of extra goodies, have been either purchased, given as gifts, or donated to me. Beckley Freecycle has been awesome for me on this!

Trying to piece my thoughts together... because they don't seem to be flowing together so well

I don’t know about those reading this, because I don’t know who all does, but I struggle with faith. Maybe it’s not that unusual of a thing to struggle with but sometimes it feels like it when so many around me seem to have so much confidence and assurance in how things are going in their day to day lives. That, or they’re as good at trying to appear that way as I try. I also struggle with trust and love as well and I know that has A LOT to do with my background.

~~~~~~

It’s faith that submitted an adoption interest request last November. It’s faith that purchased a booster car seat, a potty chair, and numerous other items; investing my entire savings into preparing for, and the hopes of, a child that I’ve never seen and have no guarantee of. Purchases that are now past the date to ever possibly return them and get the money back.

~~~~~

Faith and trust are so intermingled that I’m having trouble trying to separate them.

~~~~~

Faith leads, trust sustains, love carries us on…

~~~~~

Is it possible to love a child you’ve never met? How do you deal with the urge to want to pull a child into your arms, snuggle with them, and let them know they mean the world to you, when there’s no child there? Every little upturned face brings a smile to me and makes me wonder, ‘does my child look anything like you?’ I wonder where she is today and what she’s doing. I pray she’s feeling loved by someone and someone is there to ease her hurts until I can. I wonder about what’s already happened to her to bring her to where she’s at now in the foster care system and how long will it take her to be able to trust me and trust in my love for her.

What's Happening?!

Over the last few days I’ve gotten a couple e-mails from people keeping up on my foster adopt blog wanting to know what the latest news is, so I guess maybe it really is time for an update even though it feels like my days have become pretty repetitive lately (hence, my not blogging very much).

Last Saturday we had Orientation in which we received about another inch’s thick of more papers, everything from a Foster Home Compliance Checklist to a Provider Policy to how to handle court situations to a gazillion forms to fill out; my references will be getting the easy ones compared to the ones us foster adopt parents have to fill out. I guess in one sense I knew this would be a lot of paper work but I don’t think I ever imagined this much. I’m up to around 3 to 4 inches thick at this point and suspecting I’ve not seen the last of it! We also got our finger prints taken and submitted two forms for both a state and a federal criminal investigation to be completed on us. I’m betting this ends up being the easiest thing ever asked of us!

Tonight we’re supposed to have our 9th and final session of the PRIDE training series. It was originally scheduled for a week ago but we had several inches of snow and school was called off for the day which also meant no class either. Today the schools are having a two hour delay which I’m pretty sure still means class, though I’m double checking before going out in the weather tonight. I’ll be glad to have these classes over with, though we’re still required to complete at least 12 more hours of in-service training every year that we need to be recertified for.

After tonight’s final session, I have several things to gradually get checked off my to-do list: completing all the forms (over a good half-inch thick of them), distributing the reference forms (I already have the references lined up, I just need to get the forms to them), getting both cats vaccinated, registering for both first aid and CPR courses, finishing preparing the apartment for inspection, and scheduling the first at-home interview.

To be honest, emotionally, last Saturday a part of me felt like throwing in the towel when I thought about how tired I’ve been feeling lately and looking ahead at how much I still have left to do. Right now, I’m watching the squirrels struggling as they’re crawling upside-down along the telephone wires outside my bedroom window because the wind is blowing them off-balance; knowing that they can’t stop where they are and if they let go, they’re history! As funny looking as they are, I feel for them! As tired as I feel, and as discouraged as I felt being handed a half-inch thick of forms to fill out and being told I still need roughly another $100’s worth of stuff to complete my home study requirements (between a two-story fire escape ladder - about $80 - and two plastic mattress covers - about $20), and not knowing where on earth it’s going to be coming from, if I quit I am probably never going to see my daughter and that is a priceless dream for me.