I don’t know about those reading this, because I don’t know who all does, but I struggle with faith. Maybe it’s not that unusual of a thing to struggle with but sometimes it feels like it when so many around me seem to have so much confidence and assurance in how things are going in their day to day lives. That, or they’re as good at trying to appear that way as I try. I also struggle with trust and love as well and I know that has A LOT to do with my background.
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It’s faith that submitted an adoption interest request last November. It’s faith that purchased a booster car seat, a potty chair, and numerous other items; investing my entire savings into preparing for, and the hopes of, a child that I’ve never seen and have no guarantee of. Purchases that are now past the date to ever possibly return them and get the money back.
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Faith and trust are so intermingled that I’m having trouble trying to separate them.
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Faith leads, trust sustains, love carries us on…
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Is it possible to love a child you’ve never met? How do you deal with the urge to want to pull a child into your arms, snuggle with them, and let them know they mean the world to you, when there’s no child there? Every little upturned face brings a smile to me and makes me wonder, ‘does my child look anything like you?’ I wonder where she is today and what she’s doing. I pray she’s feeling loved by someone and someone is there to ease her hurts until I can. I wonder about what’s already happened to her to bring her to where she’s at now in the foster care system and how long will it take her to be able to trust me and trust in my love for her.
I CLEARLY remember all those feelings. I, too, made all the purchases and even bought clothes. It will happen.
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