FINALLY :)

OK! After two weeks in a row of announcing that we were finally getting started with all the PRIDE orientation and meetings, just to have them being rescheduled for one reason or another, I really hesitated this week to say anything to anyone about them without actually meeting first Well, we finally met last night and now I’m not even sure where to start. There are so many things jumping out at me from it.

The meeting did go pretty good, I think, though I wasn’t expecting such a huge turnout. There were roughly about 30 people there and the room, even though it was a pretty large conference room, still felt packed. The main speaker let us know before the end of the meeting that there was a chance that we might have to split everyone up into two groups instead, just because we’re supposed to have a good bit of interaction throughout the sessions and get to know each other in our group pretty well and that is just a little hard to do in a group the size of what we had last night.

One of the things that surprised me was that there were at least three couples who stated, during our “introductions” time, that their partner was their boyfriend/girlfriend rather than a spouse. From my understanding, both single people and married couples qualify, and even gay couples, but even couples are supposed to have been either married or, for the last category, together, for a minimum of three years; it’s supposed to be to insure stability in the relationships before bringing other children into it. None of the three couples I’m referring to introduced their partner as a fiance/fiancee but boyfriend/girlfriend. To me, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships do have the potential to lead into more serious commitments like engagements and marriage, but they can also break up next week. Since only those living in the home with the foster child have to be approved, and since both halves of each couple were there to become licensed as foster parents, it leads me to assume that the couples plan on living together as boyfriend/girlfriend. My biggest questions on that, was how that one was going to work out and what happens if the guy and girl break up? Do they decide whose going to take responsibility for which kid or would it guarantee every child in the home being completely uprooted again and placed in new foster care homes? How does the state department look upon dating relationships among the foster parents, especially assuming that they’re living together, as was my assumption last night?

After the introductions we had a short break and then came back to take a 30 question multiple-choice pre-training test. For me it seemed easy but I’ve also taken college courses in child and adolescent development; raised two children for 7 and 9 years; read various baby, child, and adolescent materials for the last decade and a half; and researched numerous foster care and adoption subjects over the last couple years. I think I struggled on two questions out of the entire thing. I’m a research freak when it comes to subjects that really matter to me and this time it showed, I guess. There are two sides to almost everything in life.

After the test we took another short break, then came back in and received our PRIDE training notebooks; a good solid-inch thick, 297 page bundle of wealth that is going to be one of my guides in beginning this process. We weren’t required to read more than the info for the first and second sessions but I’ve had a hard time making myself stop and am over halfway through, though with plans to go back and reread the first two sessions worth just before the next session meeting to remind myself of where the class is supposed to actually be. But this binder is just so packed with information that I’ve had trouble putting it down! It probably also doesn’t help with it that I feel like I can finally start moving forward again and can’t wait to do so!

We also spent probably 20 minutes working out a schedule for the next eight sessions that the majority of the group were willing to agree on. It wasn’t the easiest task with that many people and that many schedules and a couple people seemed to have problems with no matter what we chose.

Finally, we ended with a half hour video called “Making a Difference.” It presented foster care and foster adoption from the time when possible problems within a family are first spotted, to the child’s being removed from the family and brought into the system, to including the possibilities of both reunification (returning the child to the biological family) and also foster adoption. It also included a few scenarios of what kind of emotional and behavioral problems the child may present to the foster family resulting from their sudden removal from the only family they’ve ever known and that may result as consequences from surviving different types of abuse and neglect. It was a little bit of a reality check on working with children that are in the system while also introducing how the program is supposed to work. My only regret was that we were pushing it on ending the meeting on time and I think a little bit of discussion time might of been beneficial following the video.

For the most part we’re going to be completing the rest of the sessions at roughly twice a week and have training session two scheduled for next Tuesday; January 27th, also from 6 to 9pm. It’s going to be about Teamwork Toward Permanence; learning about working as part of a team to bring about the best possible (hopefully permanent) solution for the children and their families that are being served by the foster care system.

Calming the Seas

Matthew 14:24-33 “But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary. And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased. Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.”

I don’t know if that passage truly fits this situation, and hope I’m not stretching it any, but it’s what keeps coming to mind on all of this right now. I’ve gathered a little bit of controversy on the issue of my adopting as a single person and I keep telling myself that it’s to be expected; though, where I feared expecting it in the Christian realm of things I didn’t expect it so much in the secular realm.

So far, most of the people I’ve encountered have been for it and think it’s wonderful. Both my rheumatologist and family doctor have given their ok on it. People at both my church in Ripley and my church in Prosperity are backing me. Even a few at the Bible college are excited and eager to know how this is progressing for me. The numbers of visits to my adoption blog (nearly 600 in just barely two months time - and it doesn’t count my own visits) tells me there are a lot of people keeping up with what’s going on with this; how many of them agree or disagree is completely undetermined. I have four out of the five of my required references attained and will hopefully acquire the final one this Saturday; one is my pastor here in Prosperity, two others from the same church (one of whom also is connected through the Bible college), a second also from the Bible college, and the final one from my church in Ripley. My mom was going to also be a reference but I learned tonight that you can’t use family.

My mom has already touched on the subject of adoption with my two nephews that I helped raise for seven and nine years to try and help prepare them for the hopeful possibility of my adding a new member to our family. With their autism, even though they are now 15 and 13, it’s still best to gradually prepare them for changes that may be happening. My landlord has let me know that it shouldn’t be a problem in helping to find me a two-bedroom house and is fine with me caring for children from the state; not all landlords ok foster-parenting in their rental properties. He has even assured me that my security deposit will transfer to the new property which will cut down a great deal on actual moving expenses for me and allow me to put the money that I’ve been saving towards a bunkbed and dresser instead, making it easier to better prepare for whatever child is brought my way. I also am receiving tremendous support on a very regular basis from AdoptUSKids when originally I had been a little afraid that I would be making my way through this journey feeling pretty alone.

So very much seems to be falling right into place, as if it’s meant to be. I think I can honestly say that I’m even feeling peace from God on this. But then someone stirs up the waters and my boat gets rocked a little…

… like at the end of my last doctor appointment when I was scheduling a date for my physical for next month. The family doctor had specifically written on the paper that the physical was going to be done because of foster-parenting requirements and the receptionist suddenly went off on the issue. She questioned me on how many people lived in my home, emphasizing off of my answer about there not being a husband and how single people shouldn’t be allowed to foster-parent. She asked me how much I’d get paid for each child, what did I do for a living, exactly what was my total monthly income from my disability, if I was disabled how could I care for a child, why was I really wanting to do this for? I felt like she was really crossing some lines and was tempted to ask her what the heck was her problem?! But I didn’t, though it doesn’t mean I didn’t fume over it for a short while as my friend and I ate lunch afterwards.

That hasn’t been the only time but I don’t feel like trying to describe different instances and will let it suffice to say at least it has only been a few times in comparison to the backing and support that I’ve received and am continueing to receive from friends and family.

Probably the absolute biggest area of controversy has been over my singleness and it has really irritated me a few times. I do agree extremely strongly that the ideal situation for a child is within a two parent home. However, because of my mother’s childhood, I feel that sometimes the ideal situation isn’t always possible and, when that’s the case, I feel that a child having at least one person in their life that loves them truly as their own and wants to be a permanenet part of their life is far better than a child having absolutely no one at all. Give me a minute to explain please.

Very few of you, I think, had any idea of my mother’s childhood situation. Her father was killed on the job one month before my mother turned three. My grandmother, who it’s been suspected had learning difficulties and below-level coping skills, was widowed with three children ages four and under and pregnant with the fourth child. At about 3 1/2 years old, my mother, her sister, and two brothers were removed from their mother’s care and placed into the foster care system where my mother and her sister remained until each of them aged out of the system at age 18. At one point a very caring and loving yet single individual inquired about adopting my mother. That person had no criminal past, made enough income to more than support themself and a child, had already formed a loving bond with my mother as a neighbor, and wanted extremely much to love her as their own. The state could not find a single fault with the person outside of two facts: it was a man and he was single. Up until he expressed interest in adopting my mother he had been allowed access to her on numerous occassions and never once gave anyone a reason to question his motives. But, once he expressed interest in adopting her, any chance of him being allowed to show any interest or love towards her was forcably cut off by the state.

Personal opinion here: being male or female does not disqualify a person from parenting, neither does being single or married, and neither does being fully healthy or disabled. What can disqualify a person from parenting is being so disabled that they can no longer physically care for a child themselves and there isn’t a remaining spouse in the home who can.

I have no control over the fact that I was stricken with one form of arthritis at age 14 and an even more severe form of arthritis at age 26. I had no control over the sexual abuse that lasted from ages 4 to 8. While I have been able to work through and overcome the majority of my struggles that resulted from that abuse, the one that I have never been able to really get a hold on has been a fear of men in general and a strong distrust in them. Even though I have lived through it and learned ways to deal with the abuse and the consequences of it, it still takes me a tremendous amount of time to place trust in a man. It is not that I don’t eventually, I do but it has sometimes been known to take anywhere from a year to several years, and I have yet to date a single guy who has held that kind of patience and understanding.

As far as my physical disabilities, yes, they have the disadvantage of putting some limitations on me, hence why both doctors have clearly stated to me that I am to take in no children younger than two years of age. Would I like a baby? Yes! I think there are a lot of advantages to adopting a baby over top of an older child but, do I think I can love an older child just as much as I could a baby? I have absolutely no doubts on that! When you have strongly desired your own child for 15 years at least, waiting, wondering, and praying, I have found it easier to trust God in His wisdom in presenting to me whichever child is His gift to me! As far as a major advantage in being disabled, I get to be a full-time stay-at-home mom; that is something that even some two parent families don’t offer their children. This child certainly won’t have all the wealth that a five or six-figure income might bring in but she will have all that she may ever need and all the love that God has enabled me to ever give her!

Yes, my boat has been rocked a little, but MY GOD has helped me in regaining my balance and direction! Tomorrow night, from 6 to 9pm, is supposed to be our first P.R.I.D.E. training session out of ten. I’m nervous, I’m excited, but most importantly, I’m READY! I’ve hoisted my anchor and I’m setting sail!

Thankfully, a very rare one.

Every now and then there comes a day when all I wish I had was a friend to wrap their arms around me, to hold me close, and let me know the day was going to be alright. One to not expect me to even have to explain but be accepting of my silence and just fill the temporary need of wanting to simply know someone who loved me was there. Today is being one of those days.

P.R.I.D.E.

One of the steps required for me to foster parent and adopt through West Virginia’s foster care system is attending their P.R.I.D.E. pre-service training program. It occurred to me that many of you reading my blog probably may have had nothing to do with the state’s requirements for working with children in the system so thought it might help a little if I explained some what this next step is I’m getting ready to start on.

P.R.I.D.E. stands for Parent Resources for Information, Development, Education. It is a competency-based program consisting of 10 three-hour sessions, and covers topics ranging from attachment issues, loss issues, discipline, effects of abuse and neglect, sexual abuse, and the effects of fostering and adopting on the family. It is taught through a co-trainer model that consists of an agency trainer and a foster or adoptive parent trainer and is designed to train prospective foster and adoptive parents together.

My first session is scheduled for this coming Thursday; January 15th from 6-9pm at the Beckley DHHR office. The only thing I know we’re definitely doing is getting fingerprints taken and presenting picture ID to begin background checks because the letter specifically stated it. Other than that, and probably a lot of listening and note-taking, I simply won’t know until it happens, but I’ll keep ya posted

Orientation and frustration...

Well, describing orientation is gonna be extremely short… it’s being rescheduled. I’m trying to watch my attitude here and will simply sum it up to slightly frustrated, rather than letting myself vent. It’s the only reason why I rushed through dinner, rushed through getting ready, getting a little extra dressed up, went out into freezing temperatures, and rushed over to where we were supposed to be meeting. All of that just to find one other woman standing outside the locked doors and asking me if I was here for the training and did the P.R.I.D.E. notice in the window apply to us. I told her that it did and let her know about the meeting next week which she didn’t seem to have any details about. What frustrates me the most is that they wanted us to call and confirm our attendance, which I did, but they can’t use the return courtesy to call us and let us know about cancelations any. While it wasn’t that much distance for me, how much was it probably for the others who also showed up to find that piece of paper in the window?

As far as what’s next, surprisingly it’s not orientation. The notice stated that we would begin with Session One next week (Thursday the 15th - 6 to 9pm) and will discuss then when to reschedule the orientation. I’m still pretty new at this but I’d of thought everything would of stayed in the same order, with orientation before anything else, and just push everything back by a week. I just really hope we go ahead and meet next week.

On the upside, I was early for something for once! Those who know me well, know that one was a feat One I am attempting to work on though.

Next milestone and some praises!!!

Tomorrow’s the next “milestone” in working through the Foster/Adopt process for me! It’s the Orientation meeting and is being held at the Beckley DHHR office at 6pm. I bought a 2-inch binder and went ahead and organized the information I’ve already gathered and will be using it as my “Adoption Binder” to help in keeping everything together. Up until now I’d been storing everything in just a mailing envelope but thought this would be better.

Last Monday, I headed up past my parents for a doctors appointment to discuss my various medications and current health. I brought up wanting to foster parent and adopt and we discussed that in depth. He feels the same way my rheumatologist does about my health problems and my abilities and has agreed with my caring for children two years of age and up, but no children younger than two. We went ahead and scheduled another appointment for February 3rd to do the physical that is required as part of the home study process. By then I think I will have had three of the training sessions (if we do one a week) and hopefully should already have any forms I need to complete that. I’ll be bringing it up early on with either the “home-finder” or my caseworker (still trying to learn who all does what) to try to ensure that. I also stopped at my parents and was able to bring back several things with me that I had bought over the last several years and had been storing up there in preparation for such a time as this.

I also brought up, with my landlord, the subject of needing to move into a two bedroom as soon as my lease is up here June 1st. He manages several properties and has both apartments and houses that he rents out. I expressed my desire for a house over an apartment and he’s fine with that; he told me to remind him about the end of February and he will start actively looking for one for me! That’s my biggest praise of all right now! I know you can raise kids in an apartment but I’ve never felt really right about it. I’ve always felt that kids need a yard to play in, not a parking lot. It will also give me a place to finally hook up the washer and dryer my landlord’s graciously allowed me to store in the basement of the building here but that hasn’t been possible for me to hook up and actually use them. I also brought up wishing to be able to have a garden again and my landlord is fine with that. That’s one thing I miss more than anything else from living at Karen’s; I used to spend a good hour or two almost daily working in the gardens we used to grow and I would love to be able to have one again this year, even if it might be considered a slightly late start. I was on cloud nine almost all last weekend when he said he didn’t think it’d be a problem finding a house for me!

I’ll probably post again either Friday or Saturday to let everyone know how the orientation meeting went and what’s next after that. Hope everyone’s New Year has started off great!