With so many changes taking place, why does it feel like the world is standing still?!

Up until Christmas day, this last month was jam packed with activities and working on home-made gifts; for the last week though, it feels like the days have been crawling by at a snail’s pace. I think it’s the downside to the month of December being so chocked full of things to do, places to go, and people to see. It seems like I should be happy to have things finally slowed down but instead it feels almost frustrating because I’m still in some sort of go-go-go state but with nowhere to go. Ugh!

We have a high in the upper 40’s today which makes being outside for awhile, with the arthritis, more manageable as far as pain, so I’m thinking of taking a walk and seeing if I can burn off some of this energy.

Last week I bought myself an inexpensive pretty pink “mother” charm bracelet as both a reminder of my hopes and dreams and to hopefully help in keeping a strong faith that I am able to be a great mom to a child who is in real need of one. I’ve struggled a few times with becoming focused on faults in myself and having to remind myself of AdoptUSKids slogan that “you don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent.” I also love Precious Moments and found a PM blanket at Real Deal (in the mall) and bought it for her bed. It was a mix of emotions this Christmas thinking that next year I’ll hopefully be sharing all of these holiday activities with my own child

It’s only nine more days before the PRIDE Orientation meeting! Yesss!!!

Adoption worries

(Originally posted December 19, 2008)

Sometimes I think even though adoption isn’t the same as going through nine months of pregnancy, it feels like it sure has some similarities but just in their own unique ways. One of my biggest ones lately has been worry and an awful lot of questions.

One of the things bothering me is the child abuse I endured in my own past. Some of you know about this and this isn’t coming as any surprise; others of you don’t and I’m not sure how you’ll take this. That abuse entails four years of sexual abuse from ages 4 to 8 with 30 years of physical and emotional abuse overlapping that. I keep reminding myself that it has been almost 4 1/2 years since the last of that abuse came to a halt in my life and since the only time that I needed inpatient care. I received counseling from the time I was 9-years-old until my very early 20’s and then again when I was 30.

From November 2004 until April of this year, I received probably the most intense “counseling” of my life, living with Karen as she counseled me on a literally daily basis but not only on the issues of the past abuse (when they came up) but also on issues such as how I handled my anger, the importance of forgiveness (including what that is and is not), how to appropriately handle relationships with guys, how to understand boundaries (something I had alot of trouble trying to comprehend) and live within them, how to begin to trust again, how to learn to allow others to reach out to me instead of secluding myself, how to handle my finances, and probably most important of all, how to lean and depend upon God, learning to let Him have the control in my life (that is one I’m not sure I’m going to ever be done learning).

My fear is that the abuse I was forced to live through will be looked at in a negative light by the state foster system and will be used to disqualify me as being able to care for an abused and/or neglected child. I want to look at it as something that will hopefully be an advantage instead; that because I have “been there” and learned skills to deal with it, that it will make it easier for me to understand where the child is coming from, what kinds of possible problems to expect so as not to be too surprised, and how to both deal with them and help the child in working through them.

Still, the fear remains and maybe will continue until I pass the homestudy, though I hope it won’t linger that long. Just as I guess some parents worry about the potential of their unborn baby having some kind of birth defect, I’m worried about the abuse in my past effecting this opportunity today. One of the things I wonder is how realistic that possibility is. Does anybody have any thoughts because I feel wide open right now?

Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!

(Originally posted December 11, 2008)

My rheumatologist just called and said he’s giving the “OK” for foster parent/adoption with where the RA is right now!

SWEEEEEEET!

You have no idea how bad I was stressing out about that, knowing everything was resting on it.

Bye-bye turkey, hello snow!

(Originally posted December 9, 2008)

Thanksgiving went pretty well this year! Jamie traveled with me up to my parents for the day. We got a little bit of a later start than we had planned but travel was fairly good paced and smooth. I enjoy it that I live close enough by that I can wait until the actual day of the occasion to travel there and back because it let’s me avoid the holiday travelers, for the most part. The only snag came about four miles before we were going to reach the Fairplain/Ripley exit (the exit we needed) and we suddenly ran into a standstill of traffic that turned out to already be a few miles long. We couldn’t see the accident itself but saw two Life-Flight helicopters brought in; that alone told us it had to be really bad. My mom informed me a week later that it had been a nursing home van. They were carrying I think four nursing home patients and a couple workers. The driver fell asleep at the wheel and veered slightly off to the side of the interstate, suddenly realized what they had done, and over-corrected themselves. Somehow they flipped the van onto its side and slid that way several yards before finally coming to a stop. My mom wasn’t told of any causalities so I think it all ended OK, or at least not as bad as it could of been.

After sitting in the line of traffic for about 20 minutes, and watching numerous travelers making what I thought were illegal crossing-overs back to the southbound lane, I called my mom to ask her whether it was illegal or not and also if she had any suggestions for a round-about way to get to the house. It turned out most of the people were heading a few miles back to the Kenna exit and taking a side road that runs along the interstate. She gave me directions for taking it on into Fairplain and it shortened the wait dramatically.

We had a wonderful feast waiting for us, prepared by an excellent chef, my mom and I got to spend some wonderful hours visiting with my parents, nephews, my sister and her husband, and my new niece! I also got a couple pictures of my nephews doing their all-time favorite activity!

Timmy & Matt

Matt (blue shirt) & Timmy

I had meant to get some pictures of Caitlin too but ended up taking some medicine for a severe sinus headache while I was there. After the meal, I laid down for a nap for a couple hours and Melanie and her husband had left with the baby by the time I woke back up. It worked out that evening for me to also go by and visit Max and Carolyn Hill; Carolyn’s like another mom to me and an extremely close friend! I try to see her each time I go up that way but a number of times it just doesn’t seem to work out for one reason or another so I was thrilled, especially with it being a major holiday, that I was able to visit with her for about an hour before heading back home again that night!

Last night I was able to celebrate my 35th birthday just a little early! Ron and Corrine Kline, friends I know from both the Bible college and my church, were able to host it for me in their home and it was a very fun time with some special friends! We had pizza for dinner followed by an absolutely delicious “death by chocolate” cake that Jamie baked for the occasion! It was amazing!!!

It was a wonderful time being surrounded by friends and celebrating my special day! We ended the evening watching one of my more favorite movies called Time Piece which emphasizes the importance of spending time with those we care about and also forgiveness.

The change in weather today is a lot nicer than it has been for the last several days now. I love to watch the snow fall and on occasion even having fun out in it - going sledding, building snowmen and mini igloos, and having snowball fights - but I hate having to either walk in it or drive anywhere, especially when there’s ice mixed in with it. I know winter is only really just beginning but I am already looking forward to next Spring!

It’s exciting knowing I’ve just passed the less-than-one-month mark until the PRIDE Orientation session takes place! I’m also required to get a physical completed as part of the Homestudy and have that scheduled for January the 5th! I’ve never before in my life been excited about getting a physical done but I am eagerly looking forward to this one! I’ve spoken with a few people and have three so far willing to be references for me and have also been able to talk (only shortly though) with two couples in my church; one couple adopted a sibling group of three from the state and the other couple have been licensed to foster-adopt but are still awaiting having a child placed with them. They’ve been able to provide me with some helpful information as I’m slowly working my way through the beginning stages of this and are also being a real encouragement for me!

Time to update...

(Originally posted November 25, 2008)

I realized it’s been almost two weeks since my last posting on here. I got it in my head that since nothing new was happening with the adoption route that there was nothing worth writing about and had to just now remind myself that that’s not the only reason I started this - though it is a major one.

Thanksgiving is coming in only two more days and I’m really excited! Two more days before I get to see my niece for the 3rd time, and my nephews, and my mom, and my sister… I am SO EXCITED! My sister has teasingly posted on her Myspace that she has a ton of pictures to post of all three kids and I’m checking back daily but she’s taking forever on that, least it feels like it! (hint, hint, Melanie :) My roommate, Jamie, may be coming home with me for the day, I’ll know by tonight and that’ll be fun if it happens! It’s hard thinking it’s almost December which means almost next year and eagerly thinking about all the changes I’m anticipating coming! It’s going to mean a move to a larger and nicer apartment and possibly a daughter! It’ll be the best year of my life so far, if it does that!

Only one small note on the adoption process. The lady in charge of foster parenting and adoption at the DHHR office called me yesterday. She now has me down for attending the Orientation meeting which will actually be a week before the first training session; the Orientation meeting is scheduled for January 8th at 6 pm here in Beckley! She took down some personal information (date of birth, social security number, and mailing address) and also my personal preferences of a girl, no race preference, and either a single child or possibly being open to the idea of a sibling group but of no more than two children tops.

I think she was hoping that I would do foster parenting. She asked if I was interested in both foster parenting and adoption or just foster parenting; I told her just adoption. She informed me that that can often mean a longer wait before a child is placed with me. I have to admit, the idea of having a child placed with me even sooner is extremely tempting but I’m too afraid that it would feel like it was tearing me to shreds the day the child was ever removed to another foster care home or returned to the parents. I can’t seem to bring anything, human or animal, into my life without loving it completely and fully. Even with the foreknowledge that a certain child very likely would not stay with me longterm, as much as I might attempt to try not to fall in love with the child, I don’t think I’d be able to help myself. I see children as needing love more than anything else, especially a hurting child. I’d have way too much trouble letting go. I want a child that will be permanent!

Impatience

(Originally posted November 12, 2008)

I woke up this morning dreaming about adoption

I also learned yesterday that the date for my initial orientation meeting, and the beginning of the PRIDE Training Sessions begins January 15th from 6-9pm. They’ll be held at the Beckley DHHR office so there won’t be hardly any expense travel-wise; it’s actually walking distance from the apartment, though I certainly won’t be walking it after dark! I’m struggling some with impatience. My dream feels so close to becoming reality that I want it to happen right now and not being able to start the training sessions for two more months feels like forever at the moment, when I’d really like to start them today. I’m reminding myself to stay focused on unpacking and sorting through the last of my things I just got brought over from Karen’s the other week and to also stay on track with some homemade gifts I’m making for Christmas next month.

As impatient as I’m feeling, I’m thinking the timing may actually be pretty good though. I can’t move into a two-bedroom apartment until June 1st because of when my lease ends here, and I need to have that set up before the actual home visit part of the home study can be completed. I also learned the home study is only good for 12 months at a time. So for now, my plans are to begin the PRIDE sessions in January, get letters of recommendation from both my family doctor and rheumatologist at my appointments scheduled for in April, and hopefully get the home study completed ASAP in June.

I sooo wish I could speed up time!!!

Sadness in the midst of optimism

(Originally posted November 11, 2008)

Today was a hard day for me. I got to say good-bye one more time to my best friend, Karen, before she leaves for 12 months of missions work in Haiti. I lived with her for three and a half years and she became much more than just simply a roommate for me. She became a mix somewhere between best friend, big sister, and a mom to me, and the separation since last April has been both difficult and painful at times. It does seem to be getting easier with each visit and the gaps of time in between, but it’s still a struggle for me. On the upside of things, the times I got with her this last weekend were able to be filled with happy moments and laughter as we shared a dinner together and decorated the Christmas tree just a wee bit early this year (just so I could still share that with her one more time)!

Myself, Karen Joy, and Jamie

They also have a blog on here about their ministry and you can get to that by clicking on the link for Scott and Karen Daily. Pray about possibly supporting their cause either prayfully and/or financially.

I also received my initial packet of information from AdoptUSKids in today’s mail. I’ve read through all of the information and am still very excited but also realizing that this is going to be a time-consuming process requiring a lot of effort and patience on my part. That’s good though; it’ll be great practice. I need to call my foster/adoption advocate and figure out when and where I am to attend an initial orientation meeting. I’m eager in getting started and being one step closer to having my daughter! I’ve already begun praying for her although I have no clue who she is.

It's here! I've begun my adoption journey!

(Originally posted November 7, 2008)

Yesterday felt pretty amazing for me! It was the beginning of fulfilling a dream I have had since high school; a dream of someday being called “Mommy!” I made the comment several years back that if I was still single, and with no prospects of a longterm relationship, when I turned 35 that I was going to begin the adoption process. Well, I turn 35 next month, and with the unpredictability of the rheumatoid arthritis, I decided to make it basically now or possibly living with the regret that it may never happen if I put it off any longer.

I went online and filled out the inquiry form for AdoptUSKids yesterday afternoon and received a phone call back last night from a lady here in West Virginia who is part of their Recruitment Response Team. Their focus is working with children in foster care who are currently waiting for adoption. We talked for several minutes as she confirmed my desire for adoption and my contact information along with my preference for a daughter between the ages of preschool to 2nd or 3rd grade. The next steps are receiving more information in the mail within the next few days, being recontacted in a couple weeks after I’ve had time to review the information and come up with any questions I may have, and then beginning their PRIDE training course and completing a homestudy.

I am both so nervous and so excited at the same time. I viewed several childrens profiles that they had listed and there are so many, it’s sad. It was also exciting looking at their faces and knowing that “my child” might be one of them! Their stories and personalities are so varied and their futures so full of hope and promise! I want to be able to love one of them and help them see their dreams come true!